I think I get it now

March 8th, 2009


So there I was sitting in my local bar, enjoying a beer with friends, when the TV screen started showing what I believe is called “foot-ball”. In America it is called “socker”.

My first thought upon seeing the players upon the field was how embarrassing it must have been for them to spend all that money on their clothes only to find ten other people had decided to wear exactly the same outfit. But then one of my friends explained that the players were organised into teams. Then I noticed that they had the team names written on the front of their shirts, presumably so they knew who was on which team. The team in the stripey shirts was called “KIA” and the team in the white shirts was called “bwin”.

So there were five teams in all, although I think some of the players got lost on the way. The team in yellow only fielded one player in the end, although he had brought two cheer leaders with him. They spent the whole match running up and down the sides of the pitch, waving their flags to spur him on. Not that it did him much good. I don’t think he touched the ball once during the whole match. Frankly, he seemed far more interested in hooking up with the other players (if you know what I mean), as he kept trying to hand out his flourescent yellow business card. I think he may have got lucky a couple of times because I’m pretty certain I saw him writing down some phone numbers.

Teams four and five also only fielded one player each, but they must have got there early because they had claimed the two areas that I believe are called “golds”.

Anyway, from what I gather, sometimes the players are allowed to shoot the ball at the “golds” but ninety percent of the time, they have to shoot to one side of the “gold” or the other. The crowd in the bar seemed to get very excited whenever a player shot the ball to either side of the “gold”, so I reckon that is considered the best type of play.

I also figured out that, at the allotted moment when they are allowed to shoot directly at the “gold”, if they do get the ball into the net, it doesn’t count straight away. In order to prove that they didn’t do it accidentally, they have to do it three more times in exactly the same way, only much more slowly – presumably so that the judges can decide whether or not they are doing it right. What I don’t understand is how the “gold-creeper” doesn’t learn from his mistakes and stop the ball after the first time.

Another thing I noticed is that the players mostly seem to be from the theatrical profession, judging by the dramatic way they entertained the audience whenever they fell to the ground.

Anyway, I thought the game was over when everyone left the field after forty-five minutes but they came back again after a short while, probably because someone in the audience shouted “Encore!”. While they were offstage, they must have swapped shirts, because earlier, the team playing left-to-right was wearing the stripey shirts but now they were wearing the white shirts.

Again there was another shot at the “gold” and, again, the player had to repeat his effort three times very slowly.

At the end of the encore, they players took their shirts off and compared tatoos. I think the team with the best tatoos won.

Foot-ball. It quite simple really when you think about it.

Strangely, though, it’s no more interesting now that I understand what it’s all about.

3 Responses to “I think I get it now”

  1. Rowan Manahanon 09 Mar 2009 at

    F-o-o-t-b-a-l-l … is that the egg-shaped ball or the round ball?

  2. wychwoodon 11 Mar 2009 at

    I LOVE that you translated this post!

    Now your distaste? – disdain? mild disaffection? slight, if any, interest if not outright hostility? amusement at the apparent futility of the task and the seeming confusion of the players? – for this game can be enjoyed in 2 Languages! :)

  3. wychwoodon 11 Mar 2009 at

    I keep failing the challenges :( If it wasn’t for the cut-and-paste function I would never have my original comments posted.

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