Archive for June, 2010

I don’t pimp my friends

June 22nd, 2010

I don’t care if you are UNICEF, I don’t pimp my friends.

So I donate a fixed amount to UNICEF every month, it’s no big deal and I am not some playboy philanthropist. That being said, I do expect the minimum of respect from UNICEF for my gesture. Respect means, for example, not phoning me up and asking me for the phone numbers of my friends. There is an unwritten law about the contact details of friends and acquaintances, which is that you don’t give them out without permission from the friend in question. If you didn’t know that, then you are a bit of a gobshite (see definition 2 here) and you need to read the unwritten book.

Seriously, UNICEF, you do great work, but what kind of a bollocks (see definition 3 here) would I be to hand out my friends’ phone numbers to any company or charity who wanted to grab their money?

That’s right: a big, fat bollocks.

So I don’t care how many babies you are trying to save, when you call me up to ask me for my friends’ phone numbers, I don’t hear:

Could I speak to Mr. T.G. Nobby, please?

I hear:

We think you are a BIG FAT BOLLOCKS!

This is just not me!

This is just not me!

Thierry Henry out of the World Cup?

June 9th, 2010

Rumours abound that Thierry Henry has been declared unfit to play in the World Cup finals due to a hand injury.

In an exclusive interview with Load o’ Ballog, the cheating Frenchman explained that he had been going through his morning routines of hand exercises when the injury occurred.

“I ‘ad been going sru my routine of morning ‘and exercises when ze injury occurred,” he said, “Every morning I must ‘andle my balls.”

When LoB pointed out that his sport is called ‘football'” and that his hands were not needed, Henry laughed pseudo-good-naturedly, as if patronising a small child. LoB went on to point out that using his hands might even contravene the rules, Henry suddenly turned serious.

“France did not get to ze world cup finals by playing according to ze rules,” he said, leaning forward and with a hint of menace.

“‘owever,” he continued, “a true asslete rises above adversity and I can always use my right ‘and.”

When asked how his injury might affect his sponsorship deal with Gillette, the Frenchman, known for being a cheetah on the pitch, shrugged philosophically: “Do I look like I need ze monnai?

Thierry Henry reveals his plan for winning the World Cup for France, while French supporters belt out a rendition of the Tom Jones classic "With These Hands"

Thierry Henry reveals his plan for winning the World Cup for France, while French supporters belt out a rendition of the Tom Jones classic "With These Hands"