Archive for May, 2010

Ash, sure it’ll be grand!

May 22nd, 2010

With the fiendish people in Iceland planning to spew ash into the air for the next several years, governments have put their highest-paid “worst-case-scenario” thinkers to work.

The highest threat to freedom and the security of the civilised world is now:

  • Weapons of Mass Destruction
  • people blowing up airliners with Lucozade bottles (I had a bottle of Lucozade in an airport yesterday and it was fine)
  • people trying to blow up their shoes
  • people trying to blow up their underpants
  • exploding breast implants for women (Seriously!)
  • men replacing their testicles with C4 (OK, I made that one up but let’s see how long it takes before Rupert Murdoch puts it forward as a credible threat)

That’s right, ash is now considered the greatest threat to world peace and profiling at airports will no longer include brown people, but will target instead hardy, blonde, blue-eyed types with rosy cheeks.

Passengers wishing to carry ash in their hand luggage will be limited to ten 100 cc, clear, plastic containers of ash, presented in clear, plastic bags (available at a profit to airport management companies).

On a related note, in response to the terrorist threat from the North, France is considering banning the wearing of Icelandic sweaters in public.

“Zeir wooliness and ziggy-zaggy pattérn are clearly an affront to Liberté, Égalité and Fraternité,” Nicolas Sarkozy might have said.

You have been warned.

See their beady, terrorist eyes!

See their beady, terrorist eyes!