Archive for September, 2007

My worst nightmare

September 29th, 2007

If anyone asks me how to spell “hell”, I shall reply as follows:

IKEA

Sure the stuff is good and sure it is cheap but the emotional and psychological cost is too high. Three hours trapped in that nightmare today.

If you have ever been to IKEA on a Saturday, you will know what I mean.

If you have never had that experience and you feel you deserve to be brutally punished for some transgression or other, give it a go.

Dear God…

September 28th, 2007

How come people who think You are great (or is that Great?) so often kill other people who also think You are Great*?

* Capitalisation just in case. Well, you never know.

Stream of Consciousness

September 21st, 2007

So here I go with an exercise in stream of consciousness.

I do have a problem with the title of this post, however. Two problems, actually. Firstly, how do I know I’m even conscious? I’m sure many people look at me and ask the same question. For all I know I’m just a machine or even just a sprite in a computer simulation, programmed to think it is conscious. Maybe I am flesh and blood, but how does that make my supposed consciousness any more real? Reality! I have a problem with that too, usually first thing in the morning or when a bill arrives. Quantum physics tells us that reality is not what we perceive it to be. Perhaps we are incapable of perceiving reality. Perhaps we aren’t programmed to. Perhaps we are just programmed to eat and sleep and produced mini versions of ourselves and blow the shit out of each other on a regular basis. That’s something I don’t get. Blowing the shit out of people. Blowing shit up, now that I understand, as does every guy. But I’m talking about disused buildings and decommissioned tanks and stuff. Not people. People are full of dreams and laughter and nights out on the beer and cuddles for their children and kisses for their lovers. Why the fuck would anyone want to blow that up? Don’t get me wrong, by and large I don’t actually like people. Just watch the behaviour of the cattle in an airport and you’ll agree with me. Still, for someone who doesn’t actually like to be around groups of his fellow species (if indeed we are a species and not a product), I’m probably one of the most people-friendly fuckers around. Oh, you think you are people-friendlier, do you? OK then… when was the last time you learned the names of the people who clean your office? When was the last time you held a door open for someone with a smile or let them into traffic when you didn’t have to? Well, then piss off. Traffic. Who the fuck invented that? Everyone so desperate to get somewhere that they insist on behaving in such a way that minimises their chances of actually getting anywhere. Just so you know, driving right up the arse of the car in front of you doesn’t get you there any faster and if you think it does, you’re a dolt. There’s a word you don’t often see. People have actually asked me what it means, when I’ve used it. Ha! Just take a look in the mirror. Speaking of mirrors, how do we know that what we consider to be the reflection isn’t the reality? How do we know that we aren’t the reflection? There’s the reality thing again. I’m fairly convinced there is no such thing. There’s absolutely no way you and I can look at the same banana and see the same shade of yellow. So if there is an infinity of realities, there is effectively no reality. Makes a mockery of morality then, doesn’t it? If we can’t agree on the colour of a banana, how the hell are we supposed to agree on what’s right and wrong? And how the name of Jaysus are we supposed to figure it out before we pay that final trip to the cemetery? Maybe we aren’t supposed to figure it out. Maybe stupid, two-dimensional thinkers have got it right. Or maybe there are those out there who just want us to settle down into a comfortable pattern of thinking about which flavour mobile phone we’d like next and not much else. Make no mistake though, I love stuff, but it’s true: you don’t own stuff; stuff owns you. And that’s the way the corporations want to keep it. When you are busy thinking about whether to get the iPhone or the Nokia 770, you’re not asking questions about whether your country should go to war, or why your supposedly neutral country allows the big, bullying war planes from another country to re-fuel in its airports. That’s the thing with technology, people use it to promote democracy where there is none, using their mobile phones and the Net to disseminate truth when the government spreads lies. Then when they have democracy, they stop using technology to uphold truth and use it to gather fake friends on MySpace. There I go again. Truth! Whose damned truth? 50 Cent was shot nine times. Nine times! No, wait. He was shot once but he was hit by nine bullets. That’s nine times. No, it’s not… it’s one shooting. Someone who gets hit by a 100-pellet shotgun blast doesn’t get shot 100 times. It’s one shooting, Reebok, so stop trying to glamorise gun culture to kids just to sell fucking shoes! Not that someone who had been hit by a shotgun blast would give much of a damn about the semantics of their situation. It fucking hurts! There’s reality for you. “The pain is all in your head.” Ever hear a doctor say that? Well, if you ever do, kick him or her really hard in the crotch. Follow that up with the following line: “Of course it’s in my head, you dolt! That’s where the thalamus is!” There is no such thing as damned imaginary pain. All pain is real. Bloody hell! Here I am back at reality again. Well, my current reality is that it’s late, I have to be up early and my beer is finished. Whether the glass is completely empty or not at all full is a question for another day.

Musing #21

September 19th, 2007

When I order a mineral water, why do bar staff automatically put ice made of tap water in the glass?

International TLAP Day

September 19th, 2007

Avast, m’hearties, t’day is International Talk Like A Pirate Day and if’n ye don’t take part ye’ll dance the hempen jig! So go on account fer the day and leave yer landlubberin’ ways until the morrow, but make sure y’give that scurvy dog Twenty Major a wide berth, arrrr!.

I’m pledgin’ ten pounds o’gold* t’Marie Curie Cancer Care in celebration.

* That’s value, not weight, arrrrr!

Nurses ‘reluctantly’ accept pay

September 15th, 2007

Nurses ‘reluctantly’ accept pay.

Those nurses… they’d prefer to work for nothing, but the Government insists on paying them something, even if it’s just a token amount.

Ee-oooh, ee-oooh, ee-oooh-yoh!

September 15th, 2007

This time last Saturday I was sitting in Twickenham Rugby Stadium watching three men aged 55, 55 and 64 respectively bash out what Tom Lehrer once described as “rock and roll and other children’s records”.

They did what every good band should do: they shut the hell up and played stonking good tunes for two hours. DJs and politically aware bands take note: just play the damned music. From their perfect opening with “Message in a Bottle” to their belting finish with “Next to You”, the evening was a sheer joy of music that is both intensely nostalgic and incredibly fresh at the same time.

However, apart from the good memory of an amazing evening spent with old friends, I took away a few important thoughts from the gig.

The whole is greater… I like Sting’s solo stuff, but I wouldn’t be particularly interested in going to a Sting concert. Andy Summers’s solo efforts were… well, let’s just say as a solo artist he is better off focusing on his photography skills. As for Stewart Copeland, that deity of the drumkit, his solo work, as far as I know, is limited to the feme toon from “The Equalizer”. Together, however, they are gods! Play track 1 of album 1 and you can be in no doubt (that’s “Next to You” on “Outlandos d’Amour”). If you are good at something, surround yourself with people who complement your skills. Elevate each other.

Your work might be considered crap now… but it might just be a classic in the making. “Roxanne” was originally released in April 1978 and it got nowhere. It was re-released a year later but even then only reached #12 and #32 in the UK and US charts respectively. Now, however, Rolling Stone magazine ranks it in their Top 500 Greatest Songs of All Time and when The Police played it at Twickenham last weekend 55,000 people erupted in adulation. So don’t throw away work you truly believe to be good just because other people can’t see it yet.

You’re never too old to kick ass! The TV advertising companies will have you believe that once you’re over 50 life is all about insurance and gardening and releasing the equity in your house so you can afford logs for the fire. This is what The Police are doing at 55, 55 and 64 respectively…

The Police Live 2007

Dear God…

September 15th, 2007

How come You let married people re-marry when one of them dies? Aren’t their souls still married after death? Or is it just their bodies that get married?

What would we do without scientists?

September 14th, 2007

There was an article on the BBC news website yesterday about chocolate cravings.

Among the amazing scientific facts presented to us were the following:

“The nice bit is its sweet taste, lovely melt-in-the-mouth texture…”

“On the negative side, it is something we shouldn’t eat too much of… it is relatively high in fat and sugar…”

It’s incredible what you can learn these days.

I predict the following scientific breakthroughs in the coming months:

  • Getting hit by cars is bad for you
  • People like sex
  • Wet dogs smell of wet dog
  • Getting involved in a land war in Asia is not a good idea
  • When a tree falls in a forest and there’s nobody around to hear it, it bloody well does make a noise

Cocaine users ‘getting younger’

September 13th, 2007

Cocaine users ‘getting younger’.

It might make you poor, paranoid and impotent, but at least you’ll look younger.

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