Archive for the 'Funny Headlines' Category

Prison for Turkey book ‘insult’

June 18th, 2008

Prison for Turkey book ‘insult’

Someone probably thought it was a load of gobble-de-gook.

Great tits cope well with warming

May 10th, 2008

Great tits cope well with warming

I know it’s exceedingly puerile, but all I can say is PHNAR!

It’s nice to see that one can work for the BBC but still have a Viz sense of humour.

Citigroup sees second giant loss

April 18th, 2008

Citigroup sees second giant loss

To lose one giant may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose two looks like carelessness.

‘More migrants needed’ for curry

February 13th, 2008

‘More migrants needed’ for curry

In many countries, Ireland among them, some people are complaining about the number of migrant workers. My own opinion is that if they are there and they are actually working, then they are probably doing jobs that no one else wants to do.

Still, in Britain, to judge by the headline above, they have found a unique solution.

A CURRY HOUSE, SOMEWHERE IN BRITAIN

Customer:
I’ll have a behari kebab to start, some naan bread and a lamb curry.

 

Waiter:
I’m afraid we have no more lamb, sir.

 

Customer:
What else have you got?

 

Waiter:
We have beef curry, chicken curry, king prawn curry, migrant curry and tim curry.

 

Customer:
Tim curry doesn’t agree with me…
[scans the menu]
I’ll have the migrant curry.

 

Waiter:
Certainly, sir. This evening we have Czech, Pole and Lithuanian.

 

Customer:
I’ll have the Czech, please.
[drunken grin]
Geddit? “Czech, please!”

 

Waiter:
Very droll, sir. And to drink?

 

Customer:
I’ll have a Cobra. That’s the best one.

 

Tim Curry:
[sitting at the next table]
No, it isn’t.

Update: The sneaky gits at the BBC have changed the headline since this morning to Curry houses ‘need more migrants’. They must have read this post.

New polar bear test for Germany

January 10th, 2008

New polar bear test for Germany

I managed to get hold of a copy of the test (I had it translated from German)…

POLAR BEAR TEST

Please answer “Yes” or “No” to each question.

1. Are you white?

2. Is your hair transparent?

3. Is seal meat yummy?

4. Do you hang around villages in the summer, rummaging through the rubbish?

5. Are you fucking freezing?

If you answered “Yes” to questions 1 to 4 only, then you are a polar bear. If you gave any other combination of answers, please see one of the zoo’s counsellors.

A successful candidate sends a message to those who failed.  This candidate was subsequently found to have cheated.

Irish primate to become cardinal

October 18th, 2007

Irish primate to become cardinal

Speaks for itself really.

Nurses ‘reluctantly’ accept pay

September 15th, 2007

Nurses ‘reluctantly’ accept pay.

Those nurses… they’d prefer to work for nothing, but the Government insists on paying them something, even if it’s just a token amount.

Cocaine users ‘getting younger’

September 13th, 2007

Cocaine users ‘getting younger’.

It might make you poor, paranoid and impotent, but at least you’ll look younger.

Dwarf glued penis to Hoover

August 21st, 2007

I couldn’t have made this up.

A show called Circus Of Horrors lived up to its name when a dwarf accidentally glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner.

What?

Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf was taken to hospital when he became stuck to the machine after misreading superglue instructions.

Surely he misread the machine’s instructions too!

The 42-year-old pulls the vacuum across the stage with his manhood at the Edinburgh Fringe production.

Again… What???

Its attachment came loose before a performance so he tried to glue it back on.
He left it to dry for 20 seconds rather than 20 minutes – and it stuck to him when he tried it out.

Glue what back on? His penis?

It was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

And thrusting your knob into a vacuum cleaner nozzle and dragging it across a stage in front of an audience wasn’t?

When I got wheeled into a packed A&E on a wheelchair with a Hoover attached to my willie, I just wished the ground could swallow me up.

Why? Because they didn’t applaud?

The standard explanation (or so I’m told) when somebody shows up at a hospital with something unusual attached to their reproductive organs is “I slipped in the shower”. I think from now on unfortunate experimenters can avail of a new excuse:

“So Mr. Demon Dwarf, just how did you end up with a Jack Russell terrier attached to your penis?”

“Erm, I was performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.”

In Ireland we have poetry festivals and dance festivals and music festivals. We even have a Guinness and Oysters festival. Trust our Scottish cousins to come up with a stick-your-cock-in-a-vacuum-cleaner festival.

Swedish grandmother hospitalised after beaver attack

August 9th, 2007

Swedish grandmother hospitalised after beaver attack.

Both painful and embarrassing, I should imagine.

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