Musings

Fireworks thrown at PSNI by fans

Declan Chellar March 28th, 2009

Fireworks thrown at PSNI by fans

Fans of the PSNI clearly failing miserably in their attempts to show their appreciation.

G20 protesters face police with Tasers

Declan Chellar March 28th, 2009

G20 protesters face police with Tasers

How the hell did the G20 protesters get their hands on Tasers?

Irish Republic recalls all pork

Declan Chellar December 6th, 2008

Irish Republic recalls all pork

I have trouble remembering what I had for breakfast yesterday, yet they expect us to believe that everyone in the Republic of Ireland is going to remember every bit of pork they have ever eaten?

I have been living outside of Ireland for some years now, but I am surprised I have not heard of any plans to inaugurate Pork Remembrance Day.

Drug may reverse MS brain damage

Declan Chellar October 23rd, 2008

Drug may reverse MS brain damage

I don’t normally include headlines about serious topics in my “Funny Headlines” section, and MS is a very serious subject.

But I’m afraid I couldn’t resist thinking about the brain damage I cause myself by bashing my head against the desk every time MS Internet Explorer crashes, or whenever I try to use numbering in MS Word, or whenever something crashes and I click to send the details to MS hoping to receive back some advice as to what I should do to resolve the issue – advice that never comes.

Lesbos locals lose lesbian appeal

Declan Chellar July 22nd, 2008

Lesbos locals lose lesbian appeal

I’m confused.

Surely only about half the locals of Lesbos island had lesbian appeal in the first place. And how did they suddenly lose it?

I am disappointed with the BBC, though. They almost got the whole alliteration. They should have gone with…

Lesbos locals lose lesbian litigation.

My talents are wasted.

Teenager finds bat asleep in bra

Declan Chellar July 9th, 2008

Teenager finds bat asleep in bra

Usually my “Funny Headlines” category is for headlines that could be interpreted in a funny way.

But there is no pun in this headline, she really did find a bat in her bra, but only after she got to work.

I bet the bat felt a right tit!

Two arrests in Turkey ‘coup plot’

Declan Chellar July 6th, 2008

Two arrests in Turkey ‘coup plot’

The damned poultry is at it again!

No one would have believed in the early years of the twenty-first century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man’s and yet as mortal as his own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns, they were scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinise the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacency, men went to and fro over this globe about their little affairs, serene in their assurances of their empire over matter. It is possible that the infusoria under the microscope do the same. No one gave a thought to the turkey farms as sources of human danger, or thought of them only to dismiss the idea of intelligent life upon them as impossible or improbable. It is curious to recall some of the mental habits of those departed days. At most, men fancied there might be other intelligences on the farms, perhaps inferior to themselves and ready to welcome a missionary enterprise. Yet across the gulf , minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded our world with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

Pope to take a break down under

Declan Chellar July 6th, 2008

Pope to take a break down under

I thought the Pope was already celibate.

Phnar!

Calm urged after Turkey arrests

Declan Chellar July 2nd, 2008

Calm urged after Turkey arrests

Those turkeys, they get cocky in the summer because Christmas is far away, then they get boisterous and wild (geddit?) and the police have to be brought in.

Or maybe they were just pissed off over the Turkey book insult.