Take a deep breath…

Yesterday I had an online chat with a friend and the subject quickly turned to work stress and bullying. My friend gave me permission to reproduce the chat on my blog, so here it is, abridged, with some further comments inserted by me afterwards for your benefit.

Such comments appear in green (See what I did there?).

To understand all of this conversation, it would be useful for you to know that I am a qualified martial arts instructor and that my friend was a student of mine some years ago.

Friend
There’s a lot going on with work. I’m completely and utterly fed up of my job and still looking for something else. It’s all been stressing me out for ages to be honest!

Me
I can relate to that. I have had bouts of work stress in the past.

Friend
I think when it comes to a point where you end up not being able to sleep and having regular migraines/chest pains/shortness of breath due to being permanently wound up something is definitely amiss.

Me
Absolutely! Perhaps you should set aside ten minutes a day for meditation. I know that sounds a bit odd, considering time is one of your pressures.

Friend
I’ve thought about trying something like that, I just find it so difficult to switch my brain off.

Me
Hence the meditation. That’s where it would help. First step in learning to switch off is to allow yourself a few minutes at the same time each day to do so. And basically all you have to do is sit on the edge of a chair, back straight, hands on your knees, breathe deeply and think of nothing.

Meditation is just one tool, not a panacea, and in the context of this conversation I recommended it as a way of helping to switch the brain off, of allowing oneself to have quiet moments. Meditation could simply consist of allowing yourself ten minutes in the morning to stroke your cat, or ten minutes in the evening to watch the sun go down. They key is to allow your mind to take a break from the daily stress.

Another key to dealing with stress is to care less about certain things. We can get stressed when we lend things more importance than they deserve.

Friend
Yeah that’s what [another friend] says.

Me
We also get stressed when we let people make their problems become our problems and in doing so, we take on board more than we can handle.

Friend
That’s true.

Me
People often deal with stress by passing it on. Managers are particularly good at doing that to their staff. When in fact their job is to protect their staff from it, so that the staff stay focused on the job.

Friend
Managers have mostly been the cause of stress in my recent experience!

Me
You have to manage your manager. And it does require skill. You start by recognising that managing your manager is part of your job, even though it is not part of your job description.

Friend
She’s a difficult one.

Me
They often are.

Friend
The thing that irks me the most is people rarely get praised for the good work they do, but if they make one little mistake they are shot down.

If you want to know more about motivating people, I strongly recommend ‘Bringing Out the Best in People: How to Enjoy Helping Others Excel‘.

Me
Yes, that is common. You start dealing with the stress of that by simply accepting it as a fact of where you work. If you expect praise, you will suffer. I don’t simply mean resigning yourself to the fact that you will not be praised. In that case, underneath you are still longing for praise. I mean genuinely not needing it.

Friend
I don’t expect praise. This has long been the case!

Me
If you want to manage your manager, you have to take some time to think about what motivates her and what her fears are. If you can understand both of those things, you are on the right path.

Friend
She’s a David Brent style manager – wants to look good in front of others.

Me
Then think about what you can do to make her look good, then decide whether you are willing to do it.

Friend
Well the work I do does make her look good – I think the issue is more that she wants to project this image of being a wonderful, caring manager who nurtures young talent, etc. (which to some extent she is) yet she is also a control freak and tends to micro-manage. If we’re too self-sufficient she doesn’t like it and I think this is because she enjoys taking the credit for us. Or at least likes feeling like our good output is due to her good management.

Me
Is the credit important to you?

Friend
I just do what I do. I don’t want a big song and dance would just like to feel more appreciated.

Me
So how exactly does she stress you out?

Friend
Well she is very unpredictable in terms of her emotions and temper. Recently there have been a series of bust-ups between people at work and she is at the centre of it all.

Me
Think of her emotions and temper the way you would those of someone who is trying to goad you into a fight.

Friend
We’re talking full on yelling and unreasonable behaviour. I felt reasonably okay before all that kicked off – was only concerned about stagnating in a job with little professional development opportunity then!

Me
How do you think I would react if someone in a pub screamed “Baldy!”, “Paddy!” and “Paki!” at me all in one sentence?

Ethnically, I am half Irish and half Sri Lankan but bullies don’t tend to enquire as to someone’s exact ethic origins when they shout “Oi! Paki!”

Friend
Not rise to it.

Me
Exactly. In fairness, at work it is different, you usually cannot simply walk away to another job or go home, especially with the economy the way it is. At work I would take the person aside and look them in the eye and inform them that the behaviour is completely unacceptable, keeping my voice calm and firm the whole time.

I would also inform them that I will walk out of any future meetings if shouting starts.

Friend
But when she is so emotional literally nothing you say will help. You have to wait until she gets it out of her system.

Me
I would start turning on my heel and walking away from tantrums. Even if she screams: “Get back here!”
Especially if she screams: “Get back here!”

Friend
I would have done but she stormed off first. I couldn’t even slam the damn door in response because it was a fire door!

Me
Well, I wouldn’t recommend storming off or slamming doors. Just walking away calmly.

Of course, I also have the backup of being able to say to someone: “I take shouting as a sign of aggression and intimidation and a precursor to physical violence, which I cannot tolerate. Please remember that I am trained to kill, so I do not recommend you give me the impression that you are about to get violent.”

I love Tom Conti’s line in ‘Friends‘, when he mumbles under his breath at Ross’s dad: “I can kill you with my thumb, you know.”

I really can kill you with my thumb.

Friend
Ha-ha!

Me
Seriously. I have said more or less that to someone at work before, but in that case the person was border-line violent. Of course, you need to be able to say it without any emotion whatsoever. Like Chili Palmer.

Friend
Well, she and I are actually getting on reasonably well at the moment. We’re having a meeting on Tuesday to talk about various issues.

Me
You would be surprised at how well you can get on with a bully once you have a frank chat. The chat should also include something along the lines of:I understand your pressures, but passing them on to me makes me work less efficiently, so help me to help you.”

Of course, only some bullies are basically decent people who are scared, stressed and with poor leadership skills, others are just psychopaths. Psychos are harder to deal with and, unfortunately, do not explode when sunlight hits them – no matter how crazy they are.

Friend
That was the odd thing, we’ve always been able to discuss any issues before, and other people talked about her temper but this is the first time she lost it at me like that. A colleague has told me she has been psychologically bullied by her for some time now – there is now an official grievance procedure in motion. Unfortunately, my colleague almost exploded at her in response to one particular tirade and may lose her job.

Me
Next time it happens, wait until she is calm, take her aside and ask her what is wrong and how you can help her. Once she realises you are on her side, have the “unacceptable” chat.

Friend
I already know what’s wrong – we’ve been turned down for some major funding bids so the company is under huge financial pressure. But she has always been like this.

Me
Sounds like a frank chat of some sort is needed.

Friend
It’s a big issue – have been reading a lot about the main problems that come up in the workplace, bullying bosses, etc., and there’s so much of it going on. A friend gave me a book called ‘21 Dirty Tricks at Work’, very interesting!

Me
Bullies are fearful people who prey on those who do not, or cannot, stand up to them. Simply ranting back is the wrong approach, as your colleague has found out, but rolling over and taking it is the wrong approach too.

If your boss is bullying you, you have to decide whether the behaviour is normal or abnormal for that person. If it is abnormal, then you might be able to reach a resolution through talking and finding out what is triggering the behaviour. If your boss is a habitual bully, then I would still recommend the frank, calm chat but it is more likely that you will have to change jobs to escape the behaviour. You might find at best that your boss stops bullying you, but continues to bully your colleagues.

If your boss is a psychopath, then by definition there will be no empathy whatsoever and your only real solution will be to change jobs. I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so I my words on the subject of psychopaths are not authoritative. However, my understanding is that a psychopath would engage in very subtle, manipulative and deceitful behaviour, rather than the kind of “schoolyard” bullying that my friend is talking about.

Regardless of whether you can or want to help your boss, he or she has to accept that you will not tolerate being bullied. Unfortunately, you sometimes have to communicate this by resigning. Walking out is an extreme course of action, but you have to decide whether no job is better than a job that is damaging your health.

Friend
Yeah. I’m now at the point where, for the most part it’s all blown over, but what’s stressing me now is the awful atmosphere it’s created… divisions between staff and management and to some extent between staff themselves.

Me
You can try to resolve that by acting as peacekeeper. Or you can stop giving a damn.

Friend
Ha-ha!

Me
The latter is simple and works very well. Of course, I don’t mean not give a damn in the sense that you start doing your job badly. I mean not giving a damn about the feelings and emotions of toxic people.

Friend
I’ve never been very good at not giving a damn. It’s a strength and a weakness.

Me
You have to ask yourself whether giving a damn is worth the stress.

Friend
I know it isn’t, but it’s hard to switch off.

Me
That’s true. And so we circle back to meditation.

Friend
One of my friends (another work colleague) meditates and also does Tai Chi. He’s offered to show me some relaxation techniques.

Me
You already know some. Unless you were paying NO attention at all during my classes. 😉

But listen to what he has to say. It should resonate with stuff you already know.

You just need to decide to allow yourself the time to do it.

Friend
Yeah, things aren’t so bad I can’t spare a few minutes – one thing that at been stressing me out was also having time to relax/be social, so would definitely be up for it.

Me
Early morning is a good time. Helps set you up for the day.
But another session after work helps you switch off.

Friend
I think a bad habit I’ve got into is getting home from work and getting straight onto the computer again, usually to do freelance work, answer more emails, etc.

Me
I suspect you need to sit down and assess your priorities. You sound like you are allowing yourself to drift with the tide. Time to start rowing.

Friend
Yeah, definitely too much drifting going on.

I shall finish with some worthy words on the subject of stress:

“We live longer than our forefathers; but we suffer more from a thousand artificial anxieties and cares.  They fatigued only the muscles, we exhaust the finer strength of the nerves.”  ~Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”  ~Bertrand Russell

“Stress is an ignorant state.  It believes that everything is an emergency.”  ~Natalie Goldberg

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.”  ~Mohandas K. Gandhi

9 comments to Take a deep breath…

  • Visitor

    Nice post, Declan, most interesting.
    Your friend is lucky he can consult with you ie a calm person willing to go through the minutiae of this matter.

    I’ve been reflecting on bullying lately, so this is a timely post, at least for me.
    There is some good advice for your friend here – I notice you do emphasise the meditation aspect even while suggesting some practical boss-wrangling tips.

    I do suggest, however, that he could have paid a bit more attention to the “bigger picture” aspect of his boss’s stress, assuming he had any role at all in enabling her to deal with her troubles beyond simply receiving her bullying behaviour. This, I guess, ties in with your “help me to help you” advice.

    It stands to reason that if the whole company is having problems the atmosphere would be far more stressful than usual, and I wonder what the company and his boss were doing to alleviate the situation. (Very little it appears, at least as far as he is concerned!)

    “Please remember that I am trained to kill, so I do not recommend you give me the impression that you are about to get violent.”
    – Oh but this is superb. Comment of the year!

    Any more tips from the martial arts world on keeping the emotions cooler in stressful moments? I find that it is easier to keep calm when the person stressing you is not very influential in your life – casual acquaintance rather than a boss, family memeber or friend, but of course it can still affect you in a bad moment, especially a personal attack.

  • Visitor

    Oh dear, excuse all the postscripts – Declan, if your friend does find that time is short, then standing still for a few seconds and taking a couple of good deep breaths is very helpful and really steadies the nerves. When we get stressed we tend to breathe shallowly and barely notice it. This just increases the stress, especially if you can’t leave the premises.

    Even one or two seconds helps.
    Cheers, V.

  • Visitor

    And yes, I DO realise you titled your post “Take a Deep Breath”…;)

  • Visitor

    Question – you mentioned above that managers “often are” difficult. Do you find that it’s usually managers who are difficult, more so than workers or one’s co-workers? Given that their responsibilities are so different, i can see room for clashes, but is that not what managers are there to deal with?

    • I don’t use “often” to mean “usually” or “mostly”.

      I believe people are often difficult and managers are people, so the frequency of their being difficult should, in principle, be no greater than the frequency of anyone else’s being difficult.

      However, in my experience, many managers do not have the skills and characteristics of leaders, yet they are in leadership positions, which causes problems. Moreover, the behaviour of a manager tends to affect more people.

      Yes, managers should deal with clashes when they arise but more so they should prevent them and certainly not cause them.

  • Today there is an article on the BBC website titled “How to spot a psychopath at work” (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3579402.stm).
    I think they mean “How to spot a psychopath in the workplace” as opposed to “How to spot a psychopath in the act of stabbing someone to death in a shower”.
    One interesting point in the article is that while psychopaths tend to be charming, they are prone to fly into rages, which might tie in with some of the points above.

  • David

    Very interesting read Declan … your counselling skills are excellent. I’d like to make one comment which hasn’t been reaised as yet and this is not a negative comment about your friend at all, just merely an observation I have made in life that some people attract bullies and it’s important to look inside and see what messages you give out. It’s about working on yourself from the inside and then the outside world then becomes a lot easier.

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